Practical Tips to help a friend

“Heather, my friend just lost her husband, what can I do for her?”

“What helped you the most after your husband died”  

“I really want to do something, but I don’t know how to help?”

I’ve gotten these questions from my friends, too often. I’ve struggled to answer because everyone is different in their grief, and there is no “one size fits all” answer. My answers below are based on my own experience as a wife with kids, when her husband has died, as well as my observations from clients.

  1. DON’T be afraid to reach out to her. She may be going through a tough time, but now is the time she needs her support system the most. I always hear people say, “I don’t want to bother her right now…” She may not want to talk, but text or email her. Know that she’s reading them, even if she doesn’t respond.
  2. DO suggest that she appoint someone close to her to be a logistical liaison. Right now it’s hard for her to know exactly what she needs.What she needs is to have her husband back, and that will be her first response if you ask her directly. A liaison will be able to help organize what she needs and suggest to others how to help.
  3. DON’T assume that sending flowers is customary. And this is a big one for me. Being a widow and a funeral director, I have to say that at flowers are more of a nuisance than a gift. Nothing pains me more than seeing hundreds and thousands of dollars being spent on flowers that will die. Flowers become a nuisance to the family, especially when the family chooses cremation. The flowers may need to be transported to the home, and if not, they still have to do
    help a grieving friend

    Flowers are not always welcome

    something with them. Most flowers are not acceptable at the burial anyway. (glass vases or containers that aren’t meant for cemetery use) I would much rather see money in a college fund for the children, or even for expenses. I find that in my work, families request donations in lieu of flowers because, simply put, they don’t want flowers. People send flowers because it’s “what they do”. They want people to see a card with their name on it, but it’s not about YOU!

  4. DO think of sending money. It’s not meaningless, and I am pretty sure that money is going to be an issue when a wife is supporting her family, minus one, or the only income source is now gone. It’s probably what she needs most. With permission, set up a funding site. Choose providers that don’t charge extra fees for giving. Sites such as YouCaring offers crowdfunding with no charge if both parties are using PayPal.
  5. DON’T call and ask if you can drop off food. Ask WHEN you can drop off food or goodies. If you ask this  and she says she doesn’t want anything, you are giving her a chance to say no. If she says they don’t want anything now, which may be the case, then offer a gift card to a favorite restaurant, so the family can use it later.
  6. DO realize that “later” is a key word. Many times, there is too much support in the beginning. “Later” is when the support is often really needed. The service is over, family returns home, friends go back to work, life is going on with the rest of the world, but not for her. The pain is only beginning.
  7. DO follow up with her daily. One of my friends sent me a daily text message; some days it was only a heart emoji, other days it was a “I’m thinking about you”. I still remember those texts. I realized she was thinking about me every day.

    I find that in my work, families request donations in lieu of flowers because, simply put, they don’t want flowers. People send flowers because it’s “what they do”. They want people to see a card with their name on it, but it’s not about YOU!

  8. DON’T share your grief or loss experiences. Just don’t. The last thing I wanted to take on was your pain. She’s in enough pain and doesn’t need to hear about your heart wrenching pain as well. She may want to hear some tips on how you got by day-to-day. If you want to share, tell her that you are doing better, and that she will be okay again too.

  9. DO show up. If you can make it to the services. PLEASE show up. She doesn’t care if you didn’t know or never met the person who died. It’s not about that. It’s about showing her you are there, and that you care. If you are on the fence, show up. And all you have to say when you see her is, “I’m sorry and I’m here for you.”
  10. DON’T ask her how she’s doing. You know how she’s doing. Ask her “how are you holding up?” That gives her a chance to elaborate or not.
  11. DO realize that it’s not your job to say something to make her feel better. I assure you, nothing you can say will help the pain go away. Euphemisms may be what you are blurting out, but they’re not going to help, and they even could hurt. Your presence is all that is needed. Just sit with her quietly, share stories about her husband, let her cry freely without consoling her and know that just you being there is what she needs.
  12. DON’T be afraid to laugh. Laughter through tears is golden. The memories of him, the great times with him, and the funny stories—they are all still there. Laughing is not taboo.
  13. DON’T be afraid to tell her that it’s okay to listen to her body. If she wants to stay in bed for a day, let her. Don’t tell her she needs to get up and move on. (if it goes on for several days, that’s another story.) If she wants to return to work and is ready for the distraction, let her decide that too.
  14. DO remind her that living her best life is the best way to honor her loved one. He would want her to be happy and to live her best life, even if it’s not how it was planned or how it was supposed to be.