Let’s just start off by saying this… There is ALL the emotions this year! Every single one!

I miss him so much. I miss his smile, his touch, his laughter, his knowledge, his dedication, and his face.

I write these posts for my present self, my future self, and for my daughter. Girls just always need to have all of the information about everything. Sarah is really curious about my pregnancy and her birth. What was it like to be pregnant? Were you stressed out when you were pregnant with me? Did it hurt? Did you carry low or high? She’s taking a child development class right now, so you can imagine the texts I get after her class. She’s not actually SURE she’s ever going to have a baby of her own, she’s just truly curious about her entrance into this world. I’ve started with Sarah because her entrance into high school hit me really hard. Milestones are hard. Orientation was hard. This five year anniversary is hard. Life is hard, and so is death.

Back to orientation. We enter the school (running late, as usual) and I had to stand against the padded gymnasium wall.kindergarten She was in her assigned group, divided by different color folders. This was the exact same protocol for kindergarten. That realization turned into a major break-down, cue tears and isolation. I felt this emotion well up in me, physically, the lump in my throat, the burning eyes. Oh, trying to keep tears from running down my face from blinking didn’t help. I started sweating and crying and had to walk out of the gym, longing for a corner or a quiet place. I went into the bathroom after passing a few dozen people. I couldn’t stop crying. The only thing I could imagine was the photo I took of her and her Dad walking into her first day of kindergarten. His protective hand guiding her into this next chapter. She’s missing his guidance, his hand and his proud smile. All she has today is a mom crying in the bathroom. I didn’t pull it together and walk out, the tears wouldn’t subside. And then I felt embarrassed because, who the hell cries at high school orientation? We leave those tears up to the kindergarten parents!

Another emotion felt strongly this year is loneliness. Of course it’s always there, but this year it’s felt even more so. There are really hard decisions that had to be made this year. Refinancing the house, making sure I’m making the right choice. Should I force the boys into an activity they don’t want to do because I think it’s good for them? What would Jon think? Am I taking it too easy on them? How do I recover from this water damage in the kitchen? What contractor to trust? Am I working too much? Are the kids okay? My not so positive mantra has turned out to be “I didn’t sign up for this.” Yet, life keeps reminding me, I have no choice.

Change. It’s one thing for the kids to lose their Dad, but they also lost a big part of me too. I was a stay at home mom. Now, mom is working full time. This is so much for them to adjust to. They’ve lost to normalcy of both parents and the dynamic they were used to. And, they’re growing up so fast. Andrew is taller than me now, Sarah is, well, a teenager in the full sense, and Nicholas offered to get a job to help me pay for the kitchen repairs! He is exactly like his father for sure!

Dating. Yes, dating. I’ve ventured into this arena at the end of last year and it’s been quite an education. I’ve met some really unique people and learned a lot about myself in the past year. I know Jon would want me to be happy again. It just might not be in the cards for a single mom, with three kids right now, and that’s okay. So, that’s where I am on dating. ‘Nuff said!

Endings. Our flight privileges ended yesterday. You wouldn’t think this would be a big deal because we used them once, maybe twice, in the five years we had them. It’s just another harsh reminder that the world has moved on. Jetblue has moved on without us. Some friends have moved on without us. Any endings are hard, and this one still hurts. Speaking of endings, I find I hate them! I hate saying goodbye to friends that move away, friends that I’m no longer working with day to day, relationships, or anything that reminds me that it’s not a part of my life any longer. I bet you’re thinking “who does? This isn’t unique to you.” But trust me, it really is. The optimism is harder to find.

Overall, we are okay and we will be okay. We have no choice. I’m enjoying watching the kids grow and mature into the human beings they were meant to be. Sarcasm is a fluent language here as well as laughter. I’m proud of them and I’m thankful for my circle of friends who fill in, step up, check in and love us for the Hill family that we are.